The Many Ways that Elizabeth and Rodney Hooked Up
by HyperCaz
Summary: Involves absolute bizarre sequences of ship and...other...situations. Truth serum, chocolate cashews and pillows abound.


Disclaimer: I own nothing that you recognise.

Warnings: No responsibility is taken for any loss of sanity.

* * *

_Part I – Truth Serum_

Rodneyput his head on the desk and snored. Elizabeth raised her eyebrows. He was sleeping on her desk.

Everyone else stared.

Beckett wandered by drinking ice tea and Caz chased after him.

Meanwhile –

Elizabeth said gently, "Wake up, sleepy head."

"Nice dream," Rodney said, dazed, as he looked at her, "You're pretty."

Sniggers abounded in the office - mostly from Sheppard. Beckett walked past again. Clearly he had some plot potential. Weir pulled him in. She asked,

"What did you put in Rodney's coffee?"

"Nothing serious," Beckett looked shifty, "A sedative...maybe a truth serum..."

"Is that legal?" Elizabeth demanded, amazed.

Beckett shruged blankly.

"I'm in love," Rodney declared.

"Uh oh," Said everyone.

Beckett, grinning like the Chesire Cat, prompted,

"And who do ye love, Rodney?"

Rodney stood up suddenly and sang in a very loud - and very off key - voice, turning to Elizabeth,

"I love you baby! And if it's quite alright, I need you baby!"

Everyone covered their ears. Except Elizabeth. She smiled.

"When does this wear off?" She asked.

Beckett, still looking very evil, said,

"He'll remember everything that's happened."

"Good," Said Elizabeth and sang to Rodney, "And I will always love you!"

Sheppard groaned,

"They are as bad as each other. Ouch. Should get singing lessons."

A dramatic kiss was then performed by Elizabeth and Rodney.

Beckett turned to the camera and stated,

"This is why you catch Caz when she is half asleep."

* * *

_Part II – Chocolate Cashews_

Elizabeth had run out of chocolate AND cashews. It was a disaster.

The first person she complained to was Rodney. Because he was there. And giving her that puppy dog look because he wanted some pillows. Or something. Maybe cushions.

Maybe pink.

But that's another story. Rodney frowned,

"I get the chocolate part...but cashews? It's not like they are very good."

Elizabeth jumped to her feet and shouted,

"AHHHHH! GET ME CASHEWS DAMMIT OR I WILL KEEP YELLING!"

Rodney blinked. He said in a shaky voice,

"I don't know where to get some."

"YOU BLEW UP A SOLAR SYSTEM!"

Rodney cowered. He begged,

"Don't yell at me. I'll get you cashews. Then will you forgive me?"

"Hmm...maybe."

Rodney then ran to Beckett, who was sadly missing from this episode. Rodney said breathlessly,

"Where did I find cashews?"

"Daedalus?" Beckett supplied.

Rodney blinked. He tapped his headset and said,

"Someone beam down cashews!"

Zelenka walked past. Angry Beckett fans, enraged that this upstart stole Beckett's screen time, grabbed Zelenka and hauled him off to Oma.

"I'm sorry," Hermiod apologised, "But we have no cashews."

Rodney looked like he was going to collapse. Beckett wondered out loud,

"What in the Pegasus Galaxy is this important?"

"Lizbeth will forgive me if I get her cashews."

"Well why didn't ye say so before?" Beckett demanded.

Rodney blinked. He opened his mouth to yell at the Scot. Beckett continued,

"But I don't have cashews. I have chocolate coated cashews."

Elizabeth was working, suffering withdrawal symptoms. SUDDENLY, chocolate coated cashews were beamed onto her desk!

"What the..." She said.

Rodney waltzed into her office and preened. He told her,

"You have to forgive me now."

"I could kiss you," Elizabeth beamed.

Beckett walked past and said,

"Give this poor sleep deprived writer a rest. She has already has had to fix up some tenses."

Rodney and Elizabeth chorused,

"Sorry."

They skipped a page of witty dialogue that Caz might have written when awake.

"Ooh a kissing part," Rodney said.

Elizabeth giggled.

They kissed.

Beckett turned to the camera and said,

"I apologise on Caz's behalf. She seems to have forgotten that there is stuff in between sexual tension and kissing."

* * *

_Part III - Soccer_

Everyone on Atlantis played soccer. Rodney tackled Elizabeth and landed on top of her.

"You're lying on me," Quoth she.

"Heeheehee," Was quoth of Rodney.

Beckett ran on and pulled Caz off, who was beginning to rhyme and make the Bard turn in his grave. Rodney blinked,

"Have we escaped the crazy rhyming?"

"I think so," Said Elizabeth, "But I must warn you. I think I have the McWeir Virus."

Rodney frowned,

"That sounds familiar..."

His eyes widened.

"You're still lying on top of me," Elizabeth reminded him.

Rodney turned pink and cleared his throat. He said nervously,

"You wouldn't happen to want to pass this virus on would you?"

"I thought you'd never ask!"

They kissed. Then had a shower.

Beckett turned to the camera and said,

"Hide your children."

* * *

_Part IV – Haiku _

Rodney saw Lizbeth

She saw him and said "Kiss me"

So Rodney had to.

* * *

_Part V – Chocolate Sprinkles_

There were chocolate sprinkles on Rodney's desk in the lab.

Elizabeth came in and her eyes immediately went to the box, locked with a huge padlock. She looked around, saw no one and tried ripping it open. It didn't work. She sighed sadly. She tugged at it again. She tugged REALLY hard and the box disintegrated. The sprinkles went everywhere!

Rodney ran in, saw the mess and looked very dismayed. He glanced at Elizabeth and his eyes got a weird manic glint in them.

"They are everywhere," Rodney said of the sprinkles. He took her hands, which were covered in the chocolately specks. "And I want some."

He kissed her hands. Then licked the sprinkles off her fingers. Elizabeth blinked.

"Can we pretend I have sprinkles in my mouth?" She asked hopefully.

Rodney kissed her and she responded. While they stood happily, Beckett snuck in and swept the sprinkles into his own little padlocked box. As he did so, he turned to the camera,

"I tried to tell Caz these weren't worth the trouble. Now she is writing things she's going to regret once off this sugar high. But," He continued, "She may write better quality McWeir to make up for it."

* * *

_Part VI – Evil Loves Company_

Elizabeth was talking to John. It looked intimate. Rodney saw and got jealous. He grabbed his laptop, Zelenka's laptop, Beckett's petunias, Bates' suspicion drive, Bob's dart, Steve's dart, Perna's corpse, Kavanaugh's corpse and threw them at Sheppard!

No one knows what happened to Kavanaugh but it involved an electric chair that Rodney thought was a perfect match for the sleazy dude.

Anyway. The objects threw Sheppard off balance and over the balcony! John fell screaming into the huge wave from that beach scene in Deep Impact. Rodney laughed evilly. Elizabeth blinked then also laughed evilly.

They shared an evil kiss.

"You wanna go out?" Rodney asked.

"Let's," Said Elizabeth, "We should watch Bates get his butt kicked by Jinto as a date."

They walked off arm in arm. Beckett turned to the camera and said,

"These are getting weirder and freakier."

* * *

_Part VII – Appearances and Pillows_

Beckett ran down the hallway. Rodney peered out his door and queried,

"What's wrong?"

"A random lass just appeared in my bed," Beckett explained, out of breath, "I think her name was Caz."

"Weird," Said Rodney as Beckett ran off.

Rodney returned to his room. SUDDENLY Elizabeth appeared on his bed. Rodney blinked. This was becoming an epidemic!

"Stop thinking those thoughts," She scolded him.

"What thoughts?"

"THOSE thoughts."

"Any idea why this is happening?" Rodney demanded.

Elizabeth shrugged. She got up to leave, very determined to go. She was dressed in those embarrassing Star Wars pyjamas. Rodney looked down at himself. He was wearing that embarrassing Mr Fantastic t-shirt.

"Ah," They both said.

"I'm bored," Elizabeth said.

"Me too."

SUDDENLY she yelled,

"PILLOW FIGHT!"

So they fought. And Rodney had no more pillows. Beckett fwaped Caz,

"Stop crossing over with other stories!"

Rodney and Elizabeth went through every room on Atlantis and destroyed all the pillows. Then they decided they could go on a date. Rodney blinked,

"How did that happen? We haven't even got to the usual kiss that this writer usually does."

"We should rectify this," Elizabeth declared and they snogged.

Beckett turned to the camera and said, "Caz, I think ye've done enough damage."

* * *

_In Conclusion _

Caz was sitting in a white padded room. She beamed at the camera and said,

"Andthose arethe many ways that Elizabeth Weir and Rodney McKay hooked up. I'm quite comfortable now. And I have a room mate."

Beckett moved into the frame and said desperately, "I'm not mad! NO! I'm not mad!"


End file.
